Nate, the boys, and I are settled into the Holliday Inn near Omaha's Old Market, about fifteen minutes away from Nebraska Medicine. The date is July 26th, and tomorrow I start my day with the first PET scan I have had since February 8th. The past six months has drug on and flew by simultaneously. I have been reflecting nearly constantly these past few weeks in anticipation of these scans. I have experienced so many emotions. I am putting forth a big effort to acknowledge each one and feel it instead of ignore them until I have results. I am allowing myself to be scared, to embrace the nerves, and to flow between my optimism and pessimism. Up until the past few weeks I have lowered my head, ignored my emotions and terrible thoughts, and pushed it all as deep as I could in an effort to keep up my optimism. Maybe its intention was to attract and manifest the happiest outcome. A practice that is not practical or healthy and my mental health has definitely been wavering from the years of masking so much. I have a whole other storm of words to put into the universe on my mental struggle, but they have some more building to do before I can release them. Until then, know I am seeking help and I am working on it and the decision to do so has already made a huge difference.
I have learned I cannot fight the effects on my body from radiation, and if I were to try it would certainly break my soul and spirit. I can accept each challenge and come to peace with my body. Menopause is/was/always will be dreadful. I don't think I am nearly as bitchy as I was at the beginning. My hormones are a wreck, I'm assuming that isn't helping my mental war right now. I have neuropathy in my legs. Each day is a toss up on if I will be experiencing pain, tingling, itching, burning, or feeling like I have flies all over my legs. Throughout the end of treatment and the first month of being home I was getting so incredibly dizzy every single time I stood up, bent over, sat up, or turned too quickly. That has substantially decreased. I usually only experience it now if I go from a crouched squatting position to standing quickly. I just finished another 8 week healthful living challenge with increased hydration, more movement, and better food choices. I feel like that had a big hand in taking the dizziness and fogginess down. My hips have lower mobility and pain threshold. I get very stiff and sore if I don't keep up on exercising and stretching. My lower back has always been pretty sad, I have noticed a bit more soreness but not too much and I am unable to pop it like a glowstick. Probably not a bad thing. I am used to being sore, so none of this really affects my quality of life. I feel more brittle and crackly. I am not on any hormones, but have been considering Hormone Replacement Therapy. It will be brought up tomorrow at my appointment. I have a headache most of the time, but that also isn't anything new. Sleeping was a huge struggle, but I now have a Medical Marijuana license and smoke a little before bed for a quicker more restful sleep. I'm grateful for a state that takes it's citizens voices, needs, and votes seriously for their wellbeing.
My family came down here in May for a physical exam with my Radiation Oncologist, and I made so many attempts to give you all an update after that appointment. I got too caught up in self-pity and burying myself in business to bring myself the joy of writing as a release. We were not expecting to hear anything at that appointment, good or bad. After the pelvic exam we were discussing some of the physical hardships I had been experiencing when Nate asked Dr. Wahl to clarify what he'd casually breezed past in relation to my tumor. "Oh yeah, the tumors gone. No tumor!" So that brachytherapy definitely did its job in radiating and eradicating that little bugger! I have been so busy spiraling into an emotional stronghold that I forgot that amazing news given just 8 weeks ago. Holding onto that happiness and hope, because this Scanxiety is real and debilitating.
As always, I appreciate each and every word of encouragement and prayer. Thank you all for being on my team and I hope I will be telling you all some great news tomorrow! All my love!
Until next time!
XOJO
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