Going into the first day of treatment was daunting and seemed pretty monumental. There was a lot of build up in my mind and my environment. So many people were thinking of me today, and I am so grateful for each and every message I got throughout the day. The love was rolling in today while Nate and I were in the gym before the day even really started, and I can't say a few tears didn't hit the treadmill belt. I feel you all, thank you. I am bursting with your support and love, you guys are definitely making this fight a little less dreadful! After an early wake up, a twenty minute mile and a half, hot shower, good breakfast, and some world renowned Nate hugs we were off to get this bitch started! So much fear resides in the unknown, and for some reason I had talked myself into thinking I wasn't prepared or equipped with all the information I needed to walk in to those appointments confident. There was legitimately no unknowns, surprises, or monkey wrenches. My team was prepared for the planned course that I had 100% knowledge of, leaving no reason for any fear to penetrate my state of mind. Maybe telling myself I was scared of not knowing what my new routine would be like was a tricky way for my brain to hint the fact that I am scared for my future fight and life with cancer and bring that to the surface. Faking it until you make it only takes a person so far before they have to face the music to acknowledge what is going on, work through it, then conquer it. Today I realized fear has a place in my life, but dwelling in fear is not why I was meant to come to that breakthrough. I was meant to elaborate within myself that fear, learn what I need to, and move on from it.
My fears are still surfacing. I know I am scared of how effective treatment is going to be. How long this initial fight will take and what that will do to Nate's current duty. I am scared for the fight that will be taking place after this initial treatment course. I am scared of the side effects, long and short-term and how my body will be affected. Will I be able to perform at the activity level I have been working up to the past few months? Will I be able to manage side effects as well as my team thinks? I am scared that my positivity will wear out. I am scared all my plants are goners (you know, the important things.) I am scared my babies will suffer from their parents being gone and their entire life altered for two months. I'm scared of not having a plan to see them set in place. I am scared I'm going to be sick for two months straight. Writing has always been an easy way for me to process through my thoughts, because it forces me to catch them as they speed by and visualize them. In doing so I am able to see what is rational and what is not. I'm not saying these fears are irrational, but I see now how many of these fears are questions and will be answered in time. There is no benefit to be scared of something I know will be resolved to in due time. By making myself aware of them, I can navigate my energy towards other tasks that I can influence in the now. Your girl is learning to slow the hell down and take things a day at a time. We are all beacons of power. I have been lent so much to kick some ass, its time to put that all to use.
Chemotherapy this morning went very well. Other than a small headache this afternoon and a tiny spell of nausea after eating too much tonight, I am unaffected. We started my near four hour infusion with an anti-nausea drip, some steroids, and an hour of saline. Following all that, I was given a low dose of cisplatin for an hour, then another hour of saline. At the tail end of the last hour, I was given Lasix to help me lose some liquids to avoid bloating. For not knowing I had to pee, I sure spent a whole lot of time in that bathroom! Nate and I played cribbage and I blame my pathetic performance on the brain fog I experienced during chemo. If you ask him, forgetting a board and keeping score on paper is "terrible." He's just sad I kept score and he couldn't cheat. In retrospect, I definitely could have got away with a little Bidening... We may wake up to an overturn, stay tuned. Right after chemo finished up I headed down for my radiation. I think I was maybe encircled in the machine for about 6 minutes. They took a quick scan to make sure I was lined up using the same VMAT machine that gave my zaps out for about two minutes. I didn't feel a thing and was off to get a sandwich in no time! The entire staff was wonderful and I look forward to seeing them everyday.
While I was about halfway through my chemo drip, a good friend reached out and told me she had organized a Go-Fund-Me to help us cover costs to see my babies more often than we would have been able to swing otherwise and all the little things in between. The tears are hard to hold when I think of how absolutely incredible everyone in our lives are. I could never tell you all how big of impact you are having on Nate and my states of mind. Your generosity has blown me away all day, and I will continue to thank you for as long as I know you all. It honestly is hard to be bleak with such an amazing circle cheering me on! I will appreciate and have so much love for you all forever. Thank you, a million more times.
Until next time!
XOJO
PS. Ricky.... really? Click this, righ meow.
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