It feels like I haven't written in ages, and so much has happened since I last found myself at the keyboard. Well, relatively anyway. Nothing has changed in my treatment, plans, or physical health. We made our way home last weekend and got to spend two and a half days wrapped up in the boys. The weather was wonderful and we were able to spend much time playing outside and doing a bit of adventuring. I was feeling incredibly tired on Friday after the trip home. Nate was a trooper and drove all but about two hours of our drive. I got to snuggle right up with the dudes after persuading them to come inside for the evening. We took them out to look for antler sheds on Saturday. Our fearless leader, Allen, brought home two dead heads, enough turkey feathers to take flight, a dove decoy, and one extraordinary dinosaur bone! The boys and I all each got a pretty great and well needed nap throughout the day. Sunday we did some running around and playing with their Papa who had made his way home that morning. Al and Tom just adore that man and it makes my heart so happy seeing him play with them. Leave it to a grandpa to get down on all fours and take a pint sized beating all for the giggles.
Not being around the boys for the amount of time we have been gone lately sure makes time fly faster than normal, and seems to age them much faster than it already does naturally. The amount of information Allen is able to soak up, retain, and convey blows my mind every time we talk. We headed back to Omaha Monday, and on Sunday I told Big Al that we had to go back to the doctor for a while. To which he responds, "Mama go doctor, get all better." I had to choke back all the feels so we could keep talking, he points out and pats the stickers that protect the markings on my side that lines my body up for radiation. "All better," he says. How could you not put everything you have into fighting for the best life after hearing that? I often try to picture what the world looks like through his eyes, and I know my imagination couldn't come close to capturing the wonder. I try to emulate his hope and am making it a point to transpose it into every treatment. Today the song " You Can Call Me Al" came on during radiation and the tears rolled hard. Leaving my pals was so damn hard this time. Tommy gave me all the greatest snuggles and the biggest most bright smiles. His big blue eyes just sparkle so much when his chunky little cheeks come up from a grin. Holding onto those images hard until they are able to come down.
This week has been an emotional hell. I was off my game leaving home again. We took off at 5 am to make my afternoon radiation, and didn't wake them up. I was exhausted most of our time there so I had to take naps and lose out on some kiddo time. I have been feeling radiation side effects hard for about a week now. You see not many organs are fans of being zapped with photons. With the positioning of the infected lymph nodes, the field of radiation was brought up higher than just around my pelvic area. In my understanding, nearly everything below my diaphragm in my torso gets hit. This means everything from stomach to the exit gets a fair share and they really do not like it. My stools have been soft and fast at best. My chemo drugs induce constipation and radiation diarrhea. You could imagine the fun I have. Though gas is plentiful, we trust no farts in these parts. I have luckily had no real pain in my abdomen. I know that UTI like feelings will be showing soon, I was told around day 18-20 of radiation the bladder starts fighting back a bit. Today was day 17, and I'm savoring enjoying emptying it. The "little things" are ever-evolving.
In addition to my plumbing issues, I feel like menopause is right on track. My moods are much more easily thrown off balance, and I find it is much harder to dig myself out of a crappy one. I feel like our routine has just been established and I have been holding onto that to find a sense of normality and help time go by a little quicker. When that is thrown off, I have a lot of trouble setting life back in order when I am usually pretty resilient. I have little forgiveness or flexibility when I feel threatened or unheard, and honestly no remorse for speaking my truth. Researching all of the fun symptoms of menopause frankly just pisses me off. Women already have to trudge through so much shit just to have a flippin' uterus and seeing the end of that functionality comes with headaches, weight gain, osteoporosis, hot flashes, night sweats, and twenty-nine (yes, twenty-friggin-nine) other symptoms is bullshit. I try not to bask in what I cannot change, but like I said my emotions have been betraying me this week.
Tomorrow we are rounding off week 3 of radiation and chemo. Two short weeks left of this routine, then onto an internal radiation delivery method called brachytherapy. I will be put under and a small radioactive pellet will be inserted into my uterus. There will be a device that looks like one of those magnetic gyro wheel on the wire toy will be inserted into my vagina and has two prong-like radioactive arms that will be positioned on either side of the tumor. These fun little devices will create a pear-shaped cloud of radiation concentrated on the tumor on my cervix. This is a high-frequency outpatient procedure, lasting maybe half an hour or so. I have five sessions of brachytherapy scheduled throughout April, the last falling on the 21st. At this point, I'm sure our hotel doesn't think we'll ever leave.
It's almost like many of my loved ones knew I would need their pep this week! I got some wonderful care packages and cards that put me into some happy tears. Another fun symptom, I cry. A lot. I can almost feel the love radiating from words written and gifts sent. Thank you from my very core, I need you all and you are delivering above and beyond.
Until Next Time!
XOJO
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